Sunday, July 2, 2017

What is wrong with me?

To be a disciple is to be a devoted bondservant motivated by love for the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not truly devoted to Jesus Christ. No one on earth has this passionate love for the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Spirit has given it to him. We may admire, respect, and revere Him, but we cannot love Him on our own. The only One who truly loves the Lord Jesus is the Holy Spirit, and it is He who has “poured out in our hearts” the very “love of God” (Romans 5:5).

Perhaps this is my problem. The Holy Spirit has passed by me. I'm always struggling to feel any devotion at all...and I almost always feel next to nothing. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I just can't get going with this "devotion towards Him."  I'm all over the board. I'm distracted by everything. I've asked for help from the Holy Spirit and I never notice any change. I just feel like I am a pretty rotten Christian compared to so many of my family members and friends.

I go to church. I bring my Bible. I take notes. I write really cool points in the margins. I try to pray. I try to have regular devotions. I try to consult the Lord with my troubles. I try to thank Him for the blessings. I am in a Bible Study. I have even been a Bible Study leader. I just feel like everything is a huge effort with very sparse results. I teach my children Biblical ways. I took them to Sunday school. I sent them to Christian summer camps. We have a verse of the week at the dinner table. We pray at the dinner table. I used to pray with the children before the went to they've grown up. All three go to Christian colleges. All three seem to have active and genuine faith. Yet I feel empty and fake so much of the time.

What am I doing wrong?


  1. You are not alone. I keep holding on even though I most often feel weak and empty. I cried out to Jesus the other day, "Please hold on to me. Don't let me go!" but quite honestly, I am terrified. I fear many of my struggles come from very early childhood and those are issues I must face, grieve, accept, and turn inot "Fertilizer" for whatever it is God wants to grow in me.

    You and I have some common ground in infant experiences; a mom who was utterly devestated by circumstances outside of her control. I was just 3 months old when they first sent Tim to Newark and brought him home again a month later. The second time they took him for good. You were born a mere month later. Mom's milk never came in. I remember her saying she cried it all away... We picked up on her pain in the only way infants can and it has left a profound and lasting impact on our psyche. It's not placing blame, it's learning a piece of who we are and why. We were deeply loved, all of us, but our family was in trauma at a time when we were unable to process any information regarding it.

    God loves you as deeply as He loves me. He only asks what we are able to give at any given moment. I ache deep inside but find myself vacillating in what is God's will for me. Do I choose what is (not necessarily, but feels) "safe" or do I take the uncertain and difficult road? Where will the choices lead me and how will I answer those who question my decision? I don't even know how to pray or search the scripture anymore... although I know the answer is there and He is still holding me.

    1. I won't question any decision you make. It's hard for me to give advice because I'm not sure what you are alluding to...

      I love you.

  2. Aha! Someone does read this blog!

    1. Yes. When I have occasion and am not too bogged down to concentrate.
      Thank you for posting. I am blessed.